Oftentimes, I don't like what the Bible has to say. Stuff like turn the other cheek, forgive seventy times seven, love your enemies, love people, and FORGIVE. I don't like those things because I am not good at them. It goes against my DNA. I have been wronged enough times, taken advantage of, been lied to, had millions of dollars stolen from me, and seen my family suffer because of others. My gut instinct is to take a stand and not let it happen to me or my family any more.
And I hold grudges. I don't take it from the bullies. If someone is causing me or my family pain, I am ready at the drop of a hat to fight (verbally). I have not met anyone that I am afraid of. To be honest, I like to verbally spar and win an argument or heated debate. And I am sick of the callousness and disrespect from others, and I find it very, very difficult to forgive. I get so tired of all of the junk people are willing to put on you that I find it hard to control my uncontrollable emotions.
I know that people say it's wrong to hold a grudge and the Bible says to forgive, but to me it doesn't feel right. I feel like a wimp if I get "beaten" down and taken advantage of. If I let "whatever" go, it makes me feel like the other person wins. And I truly believe most people honestly don't care if they have done something to hurt you and/or your family. So because they don't care, I want to inflict a wound that is deep and that will scar them for life. And to teach them a lesson that others are afraid to teach them.
So, honestly, I am at a crossroads with several people in my life. I understand that forgiving someone gets you out of the mess and dark junk that hurts so deeply. I understand that forgiveness lets you be "free" of "whatever". Honestly, I just don't think I can get there yet.
At some point I may have to trust that love trumps all and that to forgive others is the only way to really get there. I hope it is a lesson that I can learn someday. I hope it is a lesson that is not too late to try and teach my family.
And the irony is that I hope my family can forgive me for not being able to be an example in regards to forgiveness.
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