"Serve God" some will say. Serve others. Give to charities. Create opportunities for your family to have or be what they have a passion to be. Sure, all of these things seem wonderful, worthy of doing or striving to do. But in the end, all seem rather momentary, fleeting, and hollow. Of course I believe that God's ways are designed for our own good. Of course I believe it is better to give than to recieve. I have always strived to provide opportunity for my loved ones.
But in the end, what is it all for? I watched and admired my grandparents for nearly 50 years. They were a wonderful and incredible example of love, and kindness, and giving but yet having the brokenness of being human all rolled up together at the same time. Grandma was the very essence of kindness and giving. Granddad was a self-made man that loved adventure. Both were crazy mad in love with each other. But in the end, I watched as my grandmother's brilliant mind slipped away and I watched my grandfather struggle for a day and a half until he finally took his last breath and slipped beyond this life on earth.
I know I am moving into the "mid-Fall' stage of my life. I contact my parents from time to time via a phone call. I talk to the boys once in a while. But mostly I am alone or with Dena. I am fine with that. I enjoy alone time. But I already feel like many stages of my life are gone and only a few remain.
And for what? I am not certain. I do not know. I am struggling with the purpose of life, and more specifically, my life. It seems as though I could have done more. It seems like I could have done better. It seems like my life has been wasted in so many ways and on so many levels.
Life. It all seems somewhat strange to me at this time in my life.
