One Year Ago Today

One year ago today, my Granddad passed away.   I think about him almost everyday, but especially today I wonder..........

• What is he doing right now?   
• Is he spending time hiking the most gorgeous mountains imaginable? 
• Is he at a huge table celebrating and spending time with family and old friends and new? 
• What does Grandpa look like now?  Does he look young?
• What does his mansion look like?
• What role does he play in heaven?  Is he a gardener, a teacher, a warrior?
•  Does he play the harmonica in heaven? 
• Has he met all the old saints like Paul, David, John, Mary, Moses?
• Is he still emotional like he was in his old age?
• Does he run just for the fun of it like he used to on Saturday mornings?

I could go on and on, but I obviously don't know the answers to those questions and never will in this lifetime.  And yes, I am sad today, but I am also happy and relieved.  I know my Granddad suffered pain, both physically and emotionally, at the end of his lifetime.  And I saw him struggle for two days before taking his last breath and slipping into eternity.  But today I know that he is happy, and peaceful, and better and more complete than he ever was.

But I still miss him.  I miss his encouraging words. I miss the stories he would tell over and over. I miss the way he called me "Jeffer" and I miss hearing his voice. 

But most of all, I miss his unconditional love.

Life

In writing this blog, I find myself not providing wonderful insight or answers to life's many questions.  Rather, I am full of questions.  Life seems to be passing so very quickly now.  And I truly cant seem to grasp the meaning of life and what it is all about.

"Serve God" some will say.  Serve others.  Give to charities.  Create opportunities for your family to have or be what they have a passion to be.   Sure, all of these things seem wonderful, worthy of doing or striving to do.  But in the end, all seem rather momentary,  fleeting, and hollow.  Of course I believe that God's ways are designed for our own good.  Of course I believe it is better to give than to recieve.  I have always strived to provide opportunity for my loved ones.

But in the end, what is it all for?  I watched and admired my grandparents for nearly 50 years.  They were a wonderful and incredible example of love, and kindness, and giving but yet having the brokenness of being human all rolled up together at the same time.  Grandma was the very essence of kindness and giving.  Granddad was a self-made man that loved adventure.  Both were crazy mad in love with each other.  But in the end, I watched as my grandmother's brilliant mind slipped away and I watched my grandfather struggle for a day and a half until he finally took his last breath and slipped beyond this life on earth.  

I know I am moving into the "mid-Fall' stage of my life.  I contact my parents from time to time via a phone call.  I talk to the boys once in a while.  But mostly I am alone or with Dena.  I am fine with that.  I enjoy alone time.  But I already feel like many stages of my life are gone and only a few remain.  

And for what?  I am not certain.  I do not know.  I am struggling with the purpose of life, and more specifically, my life.  It seems as though I could have done more.  It seems like I could have done better.  It seems like my life has been wasted in so many ways and on so many levels.

Life.  It all seems somewhat strange to me at this time in my life.

Heaven to Me......and Grandpa

I love the picture below.  It reminds me of places of where I would like to be and it reminds me of my Granddad.

I can't tell you how many times I heard my grandpa tell me about taking hikes while he was in the CCC's (Civilian Conservation Corps).  He would tell us about going out with two other guys, having the cook prepare a sack lunch for them with a sandwich, an apple, and a piece of cake, and hiking from Friday evening until Sunday evening.  He would tell of meeting the other guys at certain passes and "saddles" in the mountains, building fires, hearing the wolves howl at night, and how much he loved just being in nature.  The allure of the mountains would take him back year after year until he could travel no more.

In his old age, even though he could no longer take hikes in the mountains or even visit them, he often spoke of the mountains,  and his love for them.  Towards the end of his life, we had many, many conversations while I drove home from Kentucky to Tennessee about how he was sure that heaven must be full of the most incredible mountains imaginable.  And I think Grandpa is probably right!  I think if God created mountains here on earth, that he surely created mountains in heaven.

So when I look at this picture I think of Grandpa..... and how he must certainly be hiking the most incredible mountains imaginable right now.  I think he probably takes Grandma and many relatives and new friends with him on occasion.  And sometimes I think he hikes for days, and months, and what will be years and years on end with pure joy and gratefulness and thankfulness in his heart for being able to once again experience the majesty and grandeur of what God has made.

So Granddad, grab me a paper bag with a sandwich, an apple, and a piece of cake and hopefully we will take a long, long hike someday together like we talked about doing so many times before.

I'll meet you at the saddle on the northwest side of the biggest mountain we can find.  Until then, I miss you dearly.

So Much Has Changed

I laugh a little to myself when I read that someone is blogging.  It is so hard to consistently blog.  A few years ago I posted 329 times in one year.  I don't think I will attempt that anytime soon, however, it was a good release for me at the time and I enjoyed it.  I was alone and far from home and it helped me sort out my day-to-day thoughts.  And nowadays, so much has changed but I still feel the urge to sit down from time to time and put my thoughts in writing.  What has changed, you ask?

• My granddad passed last year on July 11th (close to his 99th birthday).  I knew he would pass someday but I always thought deep down inside that he would be one that would live to 105 or 110.  I think about him almost daily and now often ponder about what the real meaning of life is.  I often wonder why he was here, did he accomplish what he was put here for, did his work and his life matter, was he happy, why did he have to be so lonely the last few years of his life?  What exactly is the meaning of life?  I don't know.  I will write about my feelings someday.
• I am turning 50 this year and often reflect now about my own life.  How have my choices affected myself and my family, what is in store for my future, will I someday make a difference?
• I have worked at a company now since November 1, 2011.  In eight months, I will have been with this company for three years.  There are days that I feel like quitting, there are days that I feel like I have made a difference, and there are days that seem to make no difference at all.  We are profitable but just barely.  We make a difference for families in our community but we can't seem to reach our own employees most of the time.  When I am on vacation I cant get away from work and when I am at work sometimes all I dream about is a vacation.
• As I turn 50 this year, I find myself trying to lose 100 lbs., wondering what I can do to "get away" and explore more, wanting to take more vacations, trying to kill rabbits in the backyard ( I stayed outside last night in -6 degree weather for 1.5 hours trying to kill the "flower and plant" killers), and pondering the future.  I often feel unsettled and unsure of what it holds.

Well, I am hungry, I still have to exercise, and nightfall is coming quickly, therefore, I must load my gun.   In some ways I can relate to Elmer Fudd more than I would care to think.